Friday, August 29, 2003 :::


If I get one more email with any of the following words within the body of the email, I can not be held accountable for my actions.

*'Just an FYI...' [Subtext: You've made a mistake and I am pointing it out.]

*'I don't know if you noticed, but....' [Subtext: I noticed this mistake you've made and I am pointing it out to you...]

*'Just a couple of things' [that all involve your job and you doing something differently, making it more time consuming and ridiculous]'

*'Did you realize....' [Subtext: I make it my job to go over everything you do in this volunteer position and point out every single mistake or oversight, because obviously my own volunteer position and home and family life do not keep me busy. I must also supervise the way you do your own volunteer position.]

I just pulled those lines from my email trash...they were all sent to me by one woman, no less than two times each...over the course of a month. I wondered why I was feeling so irritable with this woman. I just can't imagine.

Let's hear it for 'Team Building Activity!'

Update: As I typed this entry....guess who sent me yet another email pointing out something she felt I could be doing better? One of the things I absolutely adore about being a stay at home mother, is the fact that I don't have to deal with people like this. Something needs to happen...

::: posted by Melissa at 4:33 PM


::My Red Shoe Diary

I was trying to think of days worse than today. I came up with this:

'The Day I Wore A Halloween Costume To School, But It Wasn't Halloween and I Wasn't Being Ironic.'

In the third grade I owned a blue and white gingham dress. I loved that dress.

One day, my 'friend' gave me a pair of red shoes, they had the highest heel I'd ever been allowed to wear (a half an inch...maybe). I loved those shoes...I wore them around the house all the time listening to the clickety-click on the linoleum, thinking how I sounded like a grown up.

I've never been much of a trend setter in the fashion sense, hell, in any sense. Just recently I decided 'Bling Bling' was a great word (and it's been banned, look in the left column.)But something about those damn red shoes made me think I'd become Carrie Bradshaw...and any look I decided to wear, I could pull off.

So one morning I came downstairs wearing a blue and white gingham dress and my clickety click high heeled red shoes. My mother, God bless her, has no fashion sense whatsoever and probably didn't notice how ridiculous I looked. If she did notice how stupid I looked, I admire her ability to not project herself into the clothes I chose to wear. Because personally, some of the outfits my daughter has come out of her bedroom wearing, have reduced me to tears. The only thing I can't swallow about my mother not noticing the red shoes is the fact that I was totally verboten from wearing my Dr Scholl's flip flops to school in Second verboten it was, that my father arranged an elaborate sting to catch me in the act of flippity flopping my way home from school. In light of that sting and the intense punishment that followed, I do not understand how my mother allowed me to walk out the door in those red shoes. Perhaps she thought I would have to learn about bad footwear choices first hand.

It never occured to me, I was wearing the God Damn Dorothy outfit. It never occured to me until I climbed aboard the bus and had a moment of clarity. That moment of clarity involved the 3rd grader's version of 'What The Fuck'

I spent the rest of the day trying to clickety click my way back home...and it simply would not work.

So that was a definite top 10 day...I've 9 more worst days than today. But I'll save them for the next shitty day I have so I feel better.

::: posted by Melissa at 3:00 AM

Thursday, August 28, 2003 :::


I am eleventy stressed out. This is not good.

::: posted by Melissa at 7:08 PM

Wednesday, August 27, 2003 :::

::Eleventy Good!

Upon pick up my daughter announced kindergarten was 'Fun! More fun than Toys R Us, it was Eleventy Good.'

Which has to be pretty good, since it's a new number no one really talks about, except when it's really important.

Also today I realized: I am too snobby to be poor and too poor to be snobby. I'm in social class limbo.

::: posted by Melissa at 1:45 PM

Monday, August 25, 2003 :::


I was going to try and make this funny, but I can't.

I've been so excited for kindergarten to start. My daughter is bored of me, she's bored of my entertainment attempts, she's ripe for learning, I'm tired of entertaining her, I'm ready for a break. It looks so win win from a distance.

Today we went for our first day/open house. Ever since we went, my eyelid has been twitching. I think this is a bad sign. The last time my eyelid twitched like this was 1997 during my last finals week in college.

My list of concerns currently (aside from the things that have nothing to do with Kindergarten)

-My daughter is in the same class as the 'Nasty Family' down the street. 'Nasty Dad' got all dressed up for this momentous occasion in a Wife Beater tank top and jeans. He smelled like maybe he took a shower, 3 days before in preparation for this big event. I think he may have brushed his tooth also. Yes, you read right....his TOOTH. The unfortunate daughter of 'Nasty Family' was wearing a pair of bright red 'Nasty Whore Shoes' today. High heels. Charming on a 5 year old. I guarantee my daughter will be inexplicably drawn to this little girl and I will spend the rest of the year with this eye twitch.

-The kindergarten teacher barely said hello to us, looks like she is suffering from some pretty serious allergy/sinus issues and is probably crabby because of it.

-It was crowded and very very hot in the classroom.

-Most upsetting is the fact that I am so afraid she is not big enough to do this on her own and I don't want her to feel stupid.

I think my eye is twitching because I am about to rip my heart from my chest and send it off with a bunch of snotty nosed children and an allergy ridden teacher who just might not understand how wonderfully sensitive, funny and smart my baby girl is and they might just trample all over my heart.

What is happening to me? I'm not sappy about my kids.

::: posted by Melissa at 10:04 PM

Friday, August 22, 2003 :::

::$108 Later

I can think of 50 things off the top of my head I could happily spend $100 (and $8 parking) doing. In that quick list of 50, you will not see 'I would love to spend $100 plus $8 parking to see The Wiggles, especially live.' However, not one of those things I could have bought would have given my children the unbridled joy of seeing grown men dancing around like a bunch of sweating, enthusiastic, retards.

The highlights of the show for me, were as follows:

Watching the 'Greg' character sing a song about what dogs eat...well of course, you 'Give a dog a bone' Greg really seemed to enjoy holding up a rather large phallus while singing this song.

The part where the 'Wiggles' bounced around on something a lot like a birthing ball...only they were covered with shag carpet.

A lot of my favorite parts of the show happened in my imagination:

I loved the part where the Wiggles read signs some of their fans made. 'We Love The Wiggles' was a common theme. Wouldn't it have been a lot more fun if the signs read things like, 'Greg, you and that Dog Bone, rock my world!', 'Please Stop It', 'Go Back To Australia...and Take That Damn Beer With You!'

Another part of the show that gave me a lot of pleasure, even though it didn't happen...was the part where I imagined myself losing control and flashing my breasts right at the front of the stage. I also spend a lot of the show imagining myself giving the character 'Murray' my bra instead of the rose he roamed the aisles collecting. (If I have to explain the rose phenomenon any more, then you do not require this information....please pretend you never read this sentence.)

Finally, I got a lot of mileage out of imagining how much more enjoyable the concert would have been if only we'd saved that joint we smoked during the 'Black Out of 2003' for this momentous occasion. I think if we'd smoked that joint before the concert...the concert would have made more sense somehow. Live and learn.

I am far too cynical and mean to be a parent, but in spite of myself it made me happy to see my kids watching grown men flashing around a whole lotta Jazz Hands, and loving every minute of it. You know, sometimes love really, really hurts.

::: posted by Melissa at 11:01 PM

Wednesday, August 20, 2003 :::

::An Open Letter

Dear Australia,

First I would like to apologize for giving you Oprah. It was wrong of us to subject you to the Oprah lifestyle. I am deeply sorry.

I was told once that Foster's beer was shipped to the United States from Australia as a 'Thank you' for Oprah. I thought we'd accepted Foster's graciously, you know it's not very good beer in all honesty, but I haven't complained because of what we did to you with Oprah.

But today I realized you have also sent 'The Wiggles'. I understand and accept how irritating Oprah has been to you...but sending The Wiggles I don't think the punishment fits the crime anymore.

Please, please make them stop.


::: posted by Melissa at 3:31 PM


::The Summers Summer, 2003

Running, Picnics, Indy, Chicago....Bugs?

::: posted by Melissa at 12:17 AM

Tuesday, August 19, 2003 :::

::Two Additional Things I Like About Detroit, and Another Thing I Don't Like

I like: The White Stripes, and the fact that we have a road called "Big Beaver" and the exit off I-75 is number 69. Who did that? We also have Mound Rd and Van Dyke. Someone was a little randy while planning the 'burbs.

The other thing I thought of I don't like: Elizabeth Berkley was spawned here.

::: posted by Melissa at 2:08 PM


::What Kind Of A Monster?

Two women live in the rental across the street. One has a boyfriend. He looks a lot like Moby. He's very kind, probably the kindest person in the neighborhood and he doesn't even live here.

I'm feeling really bad because I can't help making fun of the stupid 'Fanny Pack' he wears. I know it's petty, but really should any man be wearing a fanny pack in the year 2003?

On the other hand what kind of a monster makes fun of gentle Moby? Yes, Eminem makes fun of Moby. See, it makes me feel really bad.

::: posted by Melissa at 2:03 PM

Monday, August 18, 2003 :::

::Brought To My Attention

Someone has pointed out the long term lack of additions to my Tickle Me/Irritate me lists.

This is done by default because I am saving all my great ideas for the launch of my newly designed website. This launch is taking quite a while because I do not have 30 different versions of myself to run around doing all that needs doing.

Well, there's that plus the fact that I have zero web programming skills. Hopefully soon we'll be back in the swing with all sorts of things that tickle me and all sorts of things that irritate me and we'll all be happy!

In the meantime, should we vote?

Number One
Number Two
Number Three
Number Four

::: posted by Melissa at 1:44 PM


::Am I a walking billboard for abstinence?

I realized today that none of my friends have kids. I realized this when one of my favorite friends announced they were pregnant and I nearly tripped over myself in my haste to offer to throw them a shower.

You see I am baby deprived now that my husband has (blissfully) been rendered sperm free. I'm happy to be moving on but I am also a little melancholy saying goodbye to this part of my life. I'm pretty much in a holding pattern until the ultimate reward 'Grandmotherhood'.

So in the mean time I need to feed my reproductive urges through pregnant friends. Pregnant friends who can buy cute maternity clothing, pregnant friends who can plan adorable nurseries...all things I'll be unable to do from now until my children are happily married (God willing).

When our friends made their big announcment, I started to wonder why it is that none of our longtime friends are married or reproducing. I started to wonder if it's because of the glowing reviews I give to marriage and family? Am I a walking billboard for abstinence?

***I have a big smile on my face while I say this: 'Seriously, marriage and family is bliss, I mean it. I wouldn't call it Suburban Bliss if it wasn't!'

::: posted by Melissa at 12:42 AM

Saturday, August 16, 2003 :::

::Is The Honeymoon Over?

Over the last 28 hours, my iBook and I have had our first fight. We lost power over that time frame and it became rapidly clear that I love my air conditioning far more than I will ever love this iBook, cute logo, glowing apple and all.

Over the last 28 hours I sweat more than anyone should ever sweat. I lived like a twisted pioneer woman...with a battery powered laptop...but no climate control. And when it comes down to it, I would totally cheat on my iBook for the air conditioning. This seems to be hurting the iBooks feelings, but he doesn't know who I turn into when I'm hot and sweating.

Pants has seen it, my kids have seen it. It is ugly.

I love you Air Conditioning....even though you jut out of my windows like a big ugly sore. I love you even though you're really loud and obtrusive. I love you even though you don't have a cute little logo like the iBook. Never change.

::: posted by Melissa at 1:05 AM

Thursday, August 14, 2003 :::

::Do These Make You Want To Go To Church?

I sometimes wish I could be the guy in charge of putting up those clever sayings on the church marquee....

I've seen some pretty clever ones, like 'CH--CH' What's Missing? UR!'

I've been thinking of some pretty clever church messages myself. Like:

'We know what is best for everyone!'

'Free Body of Christ...and a little wine too!'

'Free Doughnuts.'

'Taking Guilt To The Next Level'

'If you don't come here you are a sinner who will burn in eternal damnation'

'We promise we won't molest you.'

I don't know, maybe this isn't the best job for me? I'll admit my sayings are kind of geared to a specialized audience and they might be 'Offensive' to some people.

::: posted by Melissa at 10:00 AM

Wednesday, August 13, 2003 :::

::Things I love about Michigan

I love all this stuff

I love this beer.

I love that this is here.

I'm also glad that all of this is here.

I'm happy our zoo has this exhibit.

I love Dally In The Alley

I love Corktown.

Mexican Town

Feather bowling at Cadieux Cafe. It's a fun thing to do and it also explains the purpose of Belgium.

Up North

Traverse the fall and in the summer.

In general....the changing of the leaves in the fall is a huge reason to live in Michigan.


Eastern Market

I love that instead of demolishing the Gem Theatre, they moved it.

The Arb in Ann Arbor

Pewabic Pottery

Perhaps a partial list....anything to add?

::: posted by Melissa at 9:03 PM

Tuesday, August 12, 2003 :::

::Comfort Objects

I once nearly killed my husband when he left our daughter's comfort object 45 miles away at his parents home. In my defense, I was pregnant at the time and perhaps a little hormonally hyper sensitive to losing sleep with a crying 2 year old looking for 'Chutney The Monkey'. But I was really mean to him instead of actually killing him.

I searched high and low to find a replacement so that we might get a good night's sleep before we had to drive 45 miles to pick up the comfort object.

The search was fruitless and I am now biologically programmed to sense when we are missing comfort objects.

When I read about this over at Loobylu (where I captured the adorable artwork for the MCO-Missing Comfort Object). I knew it was my parental duty to help in the search for a replacement. I wish I had one to give...I really do.

::: posted by Melissa at 4:27 PM


::Things I Like About Texas Besides The Fact That My Favorite Person Has Left Me For It. (And one more little thing I don't like about people in general)

I'll take the last part first.

I don't like people who can't laugh at the stupid stereotypes about their great state. I don't like people who can't laugh and who actually get angry instead. Thank God no one from Gary reads my entries. At least I didn't say Texas smells bad...I think that is far more insulting than my dislike of those little green lizards and the bugs that never die.

As promised here is a list of the things I do like about Texas, besides the fact that I feel a little like a jilted lover...left behind for Texas.

I've never known Texas to smell like Gary, IN. I like that.

Papasitos salsa and margaritas.

My husband spent some of his wildest, irresponsible times in Texas making him a much more responsible person when he arrived back in Michigan.


The Velvet Elvis


Moody Garden's.

Taco Cabana- God's gift to me. Cheap food that tastes just slightly better than Taco Bell...but you can get a MARGARITA there! (Pants wrote a little song about the's to the tune of the Manilow hit Copa Cabana

There aren't any coat closets in Texas because you rarely need a coat. Heavenly.

I love the cost of housing...except in Austin. I hate Austin because of the price of housing there. I love that you can sell a house here for $800K and buy a house down there for $300K less...with more square footage and a pool and a guesthouse.


San Antonio had better be pretty freaking cool because that's where I'm spending every single one of my vacations from now until forever.

I still hate that it spawned Bush, I just can't get over that.
I still hate the bugs and those wierd lizards.
I hate how huge it is.
I hate that it's 1000 degrees.
I hate how defensive Texans can be about their great state, though I admire their love of their home...I hate when people can't make fun of themselves.

In fairness, next I will outline what I hate about Michigan...from a non-jilted point of view.

I hate the cost of housing here in Southeastern Michigan. I hate that I can't even begin to dream of having 2000 square feet. I hate it mainly because there is absolutely nothing special about this area.

I hate all the chains (restaurants, stores...), everywhere chains....and where there are not chains, there are signs announcing chains coming soon.

I hate that I am verbally assaulted for driving a foreign car. Because we all know all Ford, Chrysler and GM cars are 100% American made. Right? Right.

I hate that somewhere along the way, someone in Detroit thought that culture was as important as a parking garage, and so they literally made a beautiful theatre into a parking garage. (Think I'm kidding...check out 8 Mile...there's a scene filmed inside that monstrosity)

I hate urban sprawl.

White Flight.

'Embracing Diversity' means being willing to drive into Detroit to go to the theatre or a ball game....then hopping back onto the expressway back to where everyone looks like you.

I hate that casino's were seen as the solution to the ever present financial decline of Detroit.

I hate that we say 'Pop' instead of 'Soda'. I know it's picky but I like the sound of 'Soda' a lot more.

I hate that the mayor of Detroit thinks he's some stupid 'Gangsta Mayor'

I hate that I just used the term 'Gangsta'

I hate the way we say our A's...really flat. Although I only hate that when I'm not here and I can hear myself doing it.

I hate that homeless deer can roam my neighborhood and no one can do a thing about it. Well, I don't really hate that.

I hate that my grocery store sells tourist t shirts for my city. More than that I hate that people actually buy the stupid things...nothing like being a tourist in your own town!

I hate that the biggest event of the summer is the 'Dream Cruise'

I want to hate that we spawned Eminem...but then I think it's funny that people think we're all like that. Yo!

I hate that people wear jeans to the symphony.

I hate those windbreaker warm up suits a lot of people wear.

But just like Texas has many exceptions to the does Michigan. Although we do all walk around saying 'Yo!' with our pants falling around our butts.


Oh and for all the people that think I only hate Michigan...check out some of this stuff.

It's a great time in Detroit! Wait, I hate that slogan too. But seriously folks, it's not all's the few rotten million that spoil it for the other eleven.

Michigan isn't all bad and I do think there's hope. Just like Texas, there's things to love and things to hate and you have to at least laugh at all of it!

I'll outline all the things I love about my state...when I'm done being pissed off at Texas. Someday.

::: posted by Melissa at 3:43 PM


::Eeks, Don't Fucking Mess With Texas!


To appease my Texan readers....I will later refer to all the lovely things about Texas. I've actually always loved Texas...that was until my best friend left me for Texas. I'm bitter and a little angry with Texas at the moment. But later today...after I go to the airport to see my favorite person in the world off on her move 1000's of miles from me....I'll come back with some positive things to say.

Rest assured there are plenty of things to rave about Texas for...but stealing my best friend is not one of those things.

::: posted by Melissa at 11:04 AM

Monday, August 11, 2003 :::

::Deer Harassment

I live in the midst of suburbia. There is absolutely nothing rural about the area I live in. We're about 20 miles and one terribly shitty city government away from Detroit.

Yesterday, out our window we saw a deer go strolling down the sidewalk. Later we saw it running down the road in front of our house, most likely being chased by the white trash children down the street.

Pants and I came up with a few theories on what the deer was doing in our neighborhood.

Royal Oak has a thriving night life. Perhaps he was meeting friends for a drinks and a movie. My four year old had a point though when she said incredulously, 'A deer couldn't go to a movie! His antlers would get in the way!'

Maybe it was one of the homeless people dressed up as a deer to collect money. A homeless deer gathers a lot more sympathy than a homeless drunk.

Maybe he was scoping out a new neighborhood for the family. Which considering some of the freaky neighbors we have here....wouldn't be a bad thing at all

Anyhow, I felt bad for the poor deer, he looked a little upset and a little confused. Maybe he thought he was actually in Detroit. So I called the police to see if they could help this poor animal find his way home. This is the conversation:

'Hi, uhm...there's a deer roaming my neighborhood.'

'Yes, we've gotten a few calls ma'am. It's just there's not a lot we can do about it if the deer's not breaking any laws.'

'Good point.'


'What if I told you he looks a little drunk?'


::: posted by Melissa at 10:42 AM

Friday, August 08, 2003 :::

::Today I Hate Everything About Texas

At this moment I hate every single thing about Texas.

I hate that Texas spawned all things Bush.
I hate that it's so annoyingly huge.
I hate the big hair.
I hate all that make up.
I hate all the bedazzling.
I hate the bugs that never die, they just keep growing.
I hate that it's 1000 degrees there.
I hate the accent.
I hate those stupid belt buckles.
I hate cowboy boots and hats.
I hate that saying 'Don't Mess With Texas'.
I hate those little green lizards running around all over the place.

I am going to a party this evening to say goodbye to my very favorite person in the world. I am saying goodbye because they are moving to Texas, and I wish they weren't going.

I hate Texas.

::: posted by Melissa at 5:42 PM

Wednesday, August 06, 2003 :::


Dorothy and Dorothy, collectively known as 'The Dorothies' are no more. They were hearty fish, these versions of 'The Dorothies' we had for nearly 2 years now. But finally Dorothy couldn't take life in the bowl and flung herself to her death on the kitchen floor where she suffocated.

Her longtime companion, Dorothy tried to stoically continue on...but when we introduced a new fish....a fish with a lot of 'Bling Bling'...Dorothy's self esteem plummeted.

Well the blue flamboyant fish, Bling Bling, was really only part of the problem. The other problem was the huge Sponge Bob figure I put into the bowl. It seemed funny...but I think Sponge Bob made Dorothy nervous. He seemed to make her hyperventilate...and I think in the end the stress of having the huge yellow sponge in the bowl was too much.

Now Bling Bling is ruler of the bowl and Sponge Bob has been removed. I feel a little guilty....but hey, it's not like I ran out and bought an iBook or something stupid like that!

Wait, I did do that.

::: posted by Melissa at 6:55 PM

Tuesday, August 05, 2003 :::

::Say It Without Uttering A Word

Bitter Mom

::: posted by Melissa at 1:40 PM

Monday, August 04, 2003 :::

::The Prize Is Mine

You know, when I said this I really was just kidding.

Last week someone from '' browsed my site, not once but three times.

I am thinking some low level worker is really considering giving a presentation on the value of all UN members wearing a little Lands End playsuit to all meetings. I hope he doesn't get fired. I hope he doesn't really believe Lands End playsuits are his ticket to the big time.

On the off chance it is his ticket to the big time, we all read it here first and that Nobel Prize is mine.

::: posted by Melissa at 9:17 AM

Friday, August 01, 2003 :::

::I Do Not Have What It Takes

Last weekend my Ever Shrinking Husband ran a 10K. While watching the runners go by from my comfortable post under the shade of a tree...I wondered why one would do this....

I saw a woman run by who was literally moaning a little like I did during childbirth. She also looked nearly as unhappy as I did during childbirth, but for her there was no hope of an epidural and I'd be willing to bet there wasn't a little bundle of newborn or even a little blue box with a white ribbon waiting for her as she crossed the finish line.

I once went to Nashville to lend support to a friend running a half marathon, even though I thought she would have been a lot happier at the bar with us. As we watched the runners go by...I saw a man who was BLEEDING from his NIPPLES. I'm pretty sure he wasn't struggling with the bad latch of a hungry newborn. He was bleeding from his nipples because God was trying to tell him this was not meant to be. Mankind has evolved enough that man does not need to run for 26 miles straight, it is unholy.

At that same marathon, a woman was running...and I kid you not, she shit herself while she ran. I wish I was saying that to be funny, but that's just not funny. First God sent down the bloody nipples, and those runners wouldn't listen. So he kicked it up a notch. When I was pregnant, I spent the last 3 months of my pregnancy trying to see how I could push while holding my anus tight. I had read that people will lose control of their bowels during those final stages of childbirth and the most mortifying thought in my mind (pre contractions anyway) was that I would shit on the delivery room table. This woman, was running and publically shat (yes, it's a word) herself and then, unbelievably, she kept running.


After my Mr Fitness ran his 10K this weekend, 3 of his toenails turned all sorts of purple colors. He mentioned it to his running buddy....she informed him this was pretty typical for runners. They lose their GOD DAMN TOENAILS.

I don't I missing something or is running not looking very healthy to anyone else? It's starting to look like running was never meant as anything other than a survival mechanism. Running from a predator, useful. Running till you weep, bleed, shit and lose your toenails, not so useful.

::: posted by Melissa at 10:21 PM

Where Neurosis Lives

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